Mud Puddles, Fear of Man, and LIVING

If you're reading this, and you're interested in my son's love of mud puddles, it goes WAY back. You can find various pictures of him jumping in puddles, mud puddles, and LOVING every minute of it. He's a boy, he's a child, and I'm glad.  It's good, free, "clean" (if not physically so, at least spiritually so) fun.

But this post isn't about my son's joy of mud puddles, not really anyway...  They are just a cover for my heart. This post is really about the way I muddy God's love for me, for my child and how I let the approval (or disapproval) of others show me the way instead of living in reckless abandon and JUMPING in to all that God has for me and for those I love.

The other night we got together with a rather large group of people.  It was hot. It was muggy. It hadn't rained here in a long time. The grass is brown in these parts, which is weird.  Our son found one of the few places of water - brown, muddy, refreshing water.  Small as it was, near the drinking fountain, he LOVED it. Jumped right in, shoes, socks, white shorts and all.  Again and again and again.  I was enjoying watching him have fun and wishing that the puddle was bigger than one foot around, because I was secretly wishing to swim in it ;)

Some people made comments to me about the dirtiness, the mess, etc.and I explained that I thought it was great - a fun place to play in the heat.  Shoes and socks will dry, shorts can be washed.  A child's delight can't be bought, washed, dried. I guess it can, but not for the point of this post :)  He was exploring his world and enjoying it! I didn't know it at the time, but I do now, that people were also making comments to Nate. Comments to the effect of, "I would never let my kids do that" and other similar types of things. This post isn't meant to stir bitterness to the puddle haters, but to share the goodness and sweetness of the Lord when we miss the mark big-time.  It's also not about my husband's weakness, but about mine and how God used this one situation to minister, correct, and teach. I love Him.  Upon hearing these comments multiple times, Nate pulled Benson out of the puddle, much to his great dismay (a huge fit transpired, which was disciplined). While we don't approve of fits and ended up leaving shortly after for other reasons (I didn't know why Nate pulled him out of the puddle, I wanted to leave because I thought Katelyn was in distress from the heat and she was).  On the way home I asked Nate why he pulled him out when he was clearly enjoying himself (and hey, any time my son is occupied and relatively holding steady in one place, it's a good thing, right???).  He told me why and the revelation hit me like a mack truck.

We live in fear of man or fear of disapproval of man. In other words, we want man's approval and fear disapproval more than we fear God. Call it pride, call it fear of man, call it approval addiction, call it being conscious of others...attach any label you choose to, but I know at its very core, it's awful. It's SIN.  Plain and simple. I think this is something I'm learning more and more right now. I've been asking God to help me see people as He sees them, not through my filters. I think He's gracious enough to show me for mine, too. So many people think they don't wrestle with this problem, but I think most people do. Any time we fall to comparing ourselves to others (I wish I had nice hair like her or a big house like him), any time we worry that we said the wrong thing, any time we wonder if we are good enough, any time we replay scenarios over and over and worry if we've offended someone or worry that they don't see us as favorably anymore, on and on and on.... all of this is sinful if our pursuit is to be liked, admired, etc. It's sin.  Also, in our judgement, we don't allow freedom for others.

We bathed the kids (both due to muddiness and heat) and had our bedtime routine, all the while, I'm reeling, REELING from the reality of what happened.  I wasn't shocked at Nate's actions, pulling him out of the puddle, or even at people's words. I was shocked that we allowed people's disapproval steal JOY from our sweet son who was not doing anything wrong. He wasn't sinning, but we sure did. As we sang and prayed together before bed, I asked Benson for forgiveness for the times I stop him from living life because of my fear of what others will think. I asked for forgiveness for the times I haven't disciplined him as I should have for fear of what others would say. Basically for the times as a parent I didn't do as I should because of FEAR of what others would think/say/feel about me.  Nate and I had a sweet time talking and praying through this together, too. It's something we want to be free from, but also something we want to free others from in our lives.  I don't want my need for control rob those I love from full life.

The reason I'm posting this is not to point fingers or even to vindicate ourselves as cool parents ;) but instead because I want to share the glory of God.  Of His patience for us. And to remind us to PLAY IN THAT DIRTY MUD PUDDLE, NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS OF US. Go ahead, live. Live in the joy we have because He died for us to have LIFE. Amen.

And as a warning, we are probably going to let or son be dirty, have fun, and enjoy life.  I'm not sorry if that offends you. Eesh, typing NOT in front of the sorry was hard for me. We won't judge you for your children being clean. 

I encourage you to ask God the things in your life you allow other people's opinions to control (or how you control others with yours) when all should really be subject to God.  Then ask Him to help you be free.  It'll be fun.

As a side note, his socks are still dirty after being washed and I'm glad because it will remind me of this beautiful lesson.

23 Months, 3 Months, and a HOUSE

We must be growing up!

We are the proud and happy parents of a healthy, strong, fun, and lovable little boy who is going to be TWO in just under a month!?!!?! and a sweet, content, beautiful, cheerful little girl who is growing and chatting and smiling up a storm at three months old. I know it's cliche, but time is FLYING by with these two!  We got their passports the other day and it makes me laugh that they are going to be able to use these puppies for five years. I think they might look a LITTLE bit different then, don't you?

I had to hold Katelyn up - doesn't she look suspicious of the lady with the huge camera??? Benson held his hands to his chest and seemed to know this was serious business. Thankfully you can't see the animal cracker residue on his face ;)

It looks like we really are buying a house - we settle the end of August and we're pretty excited and spending some time dreaming of what we will do with the house.  Both in updates and construction terms, but also in building up of people inside (and I guess outside, too) the walls. It's exciting and fun and it feels less and less surreal to me each day. 

I also realize I haven't posted any pics yet from our family vacation to the cabin.  Here you go!

I think for Benson the FUNNEST part of the weekend was this mud puddle. He longed for it.

And this little stream with his cousin G. Somehow he found this spot quite frequently :)

And the pool.

And the lake - here he is mad at Nate for not letting him row by himself ;)

Benson really likes to be on my lap when I'm nursing or holding Katelyn. Here he is joining our party.

And this one is not from vacation, but isn't she so dear????

I've been struck lately by the fragility of life. I'm amazed that God knows all that will happen and how it will go down. I'm glad He knows all things and that I don't. I'm learning to be more content not knowing all the answers, not having the "right" words to encourage someone, and just being able to cry out to God for those in pain. I'm so grateful for those God has in my life who I learn much from on a daily basis.  So glad it's not all about me, that it's really all about Him.

I really like this verse today..."have not stopped praying for you...continually as God to fill you...":  Colossians 1: ⁹ For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives,^{[a] 10} so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God...

You are loved,

Corn, tuxes, bellybuttons, and a weigh-in

Last week my friend and I had a CRAZY idea to take our 2 month olds and 22 month old (and her two year old) to Farm Days here.  Probably coulda used a double stroller, extra hands, but here we are still alive and laughing :)  I'm not 100% sure, but I think B could have played with this corn table all day long...

Benson's going to be a ring bearer in his Auntie Gretchen's wedding in December. Our friend Erin had a tux laying around so B tried it on and look how handsome he is!  He knew he was all spiffed up!

Here we are the other night at our friend's house.  The conversation between Benson (22 months) and Tobias (3 yrs) went something like this:  B: "eh, uh, eeeh, ooh, oejapjg;pjpdigjh.  T: Uhhhhh. (Probably thinking why isn't this kid speaking normally???)   B: (pointing to his bellybutton), grunt, eeh, oooohhhhhh!!!, eeeeeh  eh?  T:  (pointing to his bellybutton) giggles.  I think they decided on that point alone (they both have bellybuttons) that they can be friends forever.  Sometimes I wish I was blind to the things in other people that make me hesitate to be their friend.  What if all it took for me to be someone's friend was that we both had a belly button?  That would be pretty sweet, eh?

K's stats from our 2 month today - she's healthy!

weight:  11 lb 10 oz, 70%;

height: 22.5" 55%;

head in 70th

An Update and Dreams

Hi all!  I'm not even going to apologize for the long delay because I've been living life and that's okay :)

I have had it in my heart to update everyone on the happenings in our life lately. I was reflecting this morning or middle of the night or sometime I was awake with some quiet in the house that this seems to be our season (or year) of transition.  And I just LOVE that we can trust God to lead us as His children.

Photo credit Thomas Hacquard (Sister's fiance)

Last night, we had some time alone with God during our Bible Study. As I laid on the blanket in the yard at Julie's house, I was resting with Katelyn on my chest. I put my hands up in the air, fingers open, and had this thought: God's hands hold that sky. My hands are so tiny, they are mere flecks in the vastness of it. But He holds all of it. Every single bit of that sky, the earth, the heavens, all of it. He even holds us. I think I'll let His much bigger hands handle ALL things in my life. He's definitely BIG enough, capable enough, and loving enough.   Psalm 8:3 When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, 4 what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?

Katelyn Grace has been a wonderful and dear addition to our family. For every reason I was terrified to have a baby girl, she has given me hundreds more to enjoy having a baby girl.  Those fears are (mostly) gone.  I have been enjoying being a mommy to two and I laugh often at the fact I thought one was hard but two doesn't seem as difficult. I guess the transition to two has been easier than the transition to one. 

Photo credit:  Kimberly Sanderson of Sanderson Images

I think the biggest reason for that is I'm not working from home anymore!  I'm so blessed to be able to attempt to do my job in 10 hours a week at the office (you can pray for me as I try to accomplish this calling and do it with excellence).  I think I'll be a better wife, mom, worker this way. I was a stressed out mess last year feeling like I was failing Benson for working from home and not solely focusing on him. I trust that was God's plan, though, so I trust He'll protect Benson from long lasting effects... 

The ministry continues to be fruitful and the multiplication is intense - sometimes so much so I get nervous!  Ha.  The number of programs in the Alliance continues to grow and grow and grow... We're over 250 now.  That's pretty incredible when I think of the fact there were 25 just six years ago.  Which, PRAISE GOD, I've been here SIX + years!  That's six years of God's children selflessly supporting this ministry so I can work here. It STILL amazes me that God blesses me to do this.  And that He uses His body of believers to "send" me so I can.

We are blessed to have Nate's mom who will help us out with our babes on Thursdays so I can come in to work.  We're praying and looking for help on Mondays for a couple hours in the mornings... Nate has been able to fill that slot for the past couple of years, but won't be able to anymore in July... Which leads us to a really big transition!

Nate's going to be switching jobs in July!  This has been a really neat God-story in our lives and I want to share it with you. 

• On January 6-7 I prayed for Nate to have a different job, or not travel as often.  I wasn't really looking forward to being a working mommy of two with a hubby traveling.  I knew Katelyn Grace wasn't coming until April, but early prayers are good.  :) Ha.  I didn't pray long and laboriously, just asked God to do it if it was His will and best plan.  And even though God knew it was the desire of my heart, asking Him for it was freeing for me :)
• On January 8, Nate received two emails for possible jobs (he didn't know at this point that I had prayed what I did)
• On January 9, we had a date and I confessed to him I'd prayed for a new job for him (I figured it was only fair as it was a possible BIG change for him if God so chose to answer that prayer).  He didn't say anything to me about the emails (Stinker)
• Sometime mid-January Nate told me he was meeting with an old high school friend about a possible position with a local bank.  He met with his friend a couple of times, then met with the supervisor in the Agricultural lending department.  All these meetings were happening as some instability was happening at his current job (there were some layoffs, but he wasn't one of them). 
• In March, after much prayer and me telling him I really wanted him to choose what was best, he accepted the position at the bank.

So here we are, in the middle of June, preparing for a big change for us in July.  I know Nate will do a great job at the bank, his degree is a business ag one, so this will fit.  Can you please pray for him?  It's always so tough making big transitions like this!  We are really excited and I'm already so grateful to God for this opportunity. From what I can tell, the friend from high school he'll be working at is a really solid guy (we also met his really wonderful wife).  It also seems like there's a great work environment there. I have so much hope in my heart for Nate's life as he moves to this new role!

Another big, BIG transition is that we made an offer on a house the other day!  We find out tomorrow if it's a go! We have been so blessed in our current home, so it's not like we're feeling tortured or anything and we weren't really actively looking.  We walked through a house last year and then this one.  Just kind of getting a feel for what was out there, asking God to do whatever He wanted and what's best - we haven't really been pining over it, either, just trusting God for His plans and waiting for His leading. It's a bit surreal to me as it's a lot more stability than I've ever known.  It's surreal, not in a bad way, just in a really, really different way.  One of my favorite things about the house is the potential to bless others with it.  It's on .85 acres, has a daylight basement already plumbed, wired, and set for an apartment (the apartment was finished in the 70's so needs to be updated).  We have dreams of turning it into space for ministry or blessings someone who needs a place to live (or both - depending on the season and what is needed).  God has kept us with open hearts to this process and neither of us are so tied to it that we'll be devastated if if doesn't work. We trust it's in His hands!  I've gotten to talk to the really cute 92 year old woman who owns it now.  She's a treasure of a woman and really wants the house to bless whoever is blessed by it next.  Nate sensed in worship last week at church that God wants to bless us.  So whether it's this or something else, I'm excited!

My friend Julie and I have been leading a women's Bible study together.  We did an inductive study on Philippians first, now we are reading Crazy Love and next up is an intensive study on the book of Acts.  There's so much I don't understand about God's heart for His church. I'm looking forward to learning more!  The women God has blessed us to minister to are more incredible than I could have asked for.  So many weeks I feel like we hit on such intense stuff that I can't believe it! Most weeks I leave asking God to continue to refine me. For a newer group who doesn't know each other really well, it's incredible. 

My heart is full - I feel like there's been a lot of healing in my life recently and I can see so much of God's plan for my life unfolding.  Having a girl has been healing, as well as enjoying Benson and all the fun he brings to the mix! 

I continue to learn and grow in my heart towards God, towards Nate, the kids, and the ministries He's blessed me with. I'm hung up on the verse in Philippians 2 that says, "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves..."  I've found that focusing my heart on that verse daily, I've been a lot more apt to give than to expect to receive.  It's hard not being selfish :) and looking at what YOU want and "deserve". There's so much more freedom and joy this way! I'm so grateful for a really patient and selfless husband who models this lifestyle to me :) 

How about you?  What has God been showing you, answering for you, or challenging you with?

Photo credit Thomas Hacquard (Sister's fiance)

We love you all - you are such gifts to us...

Pictures

Our amazing and talented friend Kim Sanderson (Sanderson Images) blessed us by getting some great pics of our family and our precious daughter when she was just over a week old. 

We hope you enjoy them as much as we do!

Our hearts are so full of gratitude to God for His blessings to us!

Update and reflections on all God has done in our lives (especially mine since I moved here SIX years ago to work for a smaller than it is now ministry (hopefully) coming soon. :)  God is more than GOOD.  He's incredible.

One week with our precious daughter

Welcome Little Katelyn Grace!!!  Her name means "pure, unsullied" which I love.  Her life verse is "blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God."

A couple of minutes old...

Born April 19th

Weighing 7lbs., 6oz.

22 inches long

Her birth story:z

I thought I might be in labor at around 10 that morning, but wasn't sure because I was induced with Benson, so I didn't know what to expect exactly...

I was at a mother's time at a friend's church hearing a lady teach on Raising Spirited Children (which Benson just might be :)) and I started timing my contractions.  I was having them every 4-6 minutes but didn't want to miss the talk :) I think I made my friend Kim nervous...  She told me I should probably go home...  I texted Nate to tell him this "might" be it but not to worry or leave work. I got home around 11:30 and called my midwife after feeding and laying Benson down for a nap.  She said I was too chipper to be in labor and I told her I'd asked God to keep me full of joy so I might not get cranky :)  She told me to call in an hour.  So I kept timing contractions, cleaned, finished packing, called Nate's parents and told them "probably not today, but maybe in the next 24-48 hours" so they could prepare to get Benson.(Remember, I didn't know what to expect!)  My contractions were around three to four minutes apart, I called again, they said I still didn't sound cranky enough, so they told me to call in an hour.  So I kept timing, then they were about three minutes apart so I called Nate and told him he might want to wrap things up at work soonish and come home. I think I was still pretty calm at this point :) and called his parents and asked them to come, too.  Nate's parents got here around 2:30 and my contractions were about 2 minutes apart, sometimes 3 and definitely a bit more painful.  When I called again, the one nurse wanted to talk to me since I was so set on being happy through it.  She asked me to explain the contractions and so I did.  I told her they were "toe curling" and she said that's it - come in.  Nate got home around 3, and we checked into the hospital around 3:30.  I wasn't very dilated, but thankfully they kept me in.  I labored for another couple hours and when they checked I was only 5 cm and thought there was no way I was going to make it the five more hours they estimated it would take.  My midwife who I now officially LOVE to pieces, told me to try this certain position.  Within minutes, my water broke and I really wanted to push. I told Nate it felt like I swallowed a semi and it was trying to come out.  I think that's a helpful description for our hubbies, no? Can I get an amen???  Within 40 minutes of being told it would be five more hours, I was done!  After just three hours at the hospital and less than five minutes of pushing and a pretty intense labor...

She emerged.  Beautiful.  Healthy.  ALIVE.

The midwife and nurse told us she had a knot in her cord.  They didn't make a big deal of it.  But when the charge nurse (also Nate's cousin's wife) came in and the shift changed to a new nurse, both were in tears that she had a knot and she was ALIVE.  I cry each time I think that God spared her little life.  Apparently some babies with true cord knots die in utero or during delivery or have some problems.  But not our daughter, and we are SO GRATEFUL to God. So many times a day, I hold her and just thank Him for letting us know her and love her.  Our miracle baby.  Our daughter!

Meeting big brother for the first time - just a couple of hours old!

She does have a minor heart condition - an arrhythmia called PVC, but we are told it will probably self-correct.  We are trusting God that it will and will have a follow up with a children's hospital in the area in the coming weeks.  We are at peace with it.

She was born on Passover.  The significance of that is amazing to us.  We look forward to seeing God protect her for her lifetime just as He was faithful to do when we couldn't even understand or see that she needed it.  (Isn't that so like Him???)

With her "duckling" hat I made for her.

We are home and adjusting to life as a family of four.  We are so blessed - Benson is gentle and loving towards her.  It's the cutest thing!  We are also incredibly blessed as Nate has paternity time with MDS, so he's home with us and I think that is really helping the transition go much more smoothly as we can focus on both kiddos.  He's been an incredible blessing to me and to Benson and Katelyn.  We are so blessed to have him as a husband and daddy.

All of our friends who were pregnant together have now delivered and it's so surreal that we are all done.  That we are all now holding our precious ones on the outside.  It's really incredible.  The last three who were pregnant all went three days apart.  One on Saturday, us on Tuesday, and then one on Good Friday.  We all missed being in the hospital together but it was still so fun! We were due two days apart from one of the gals and on the same day as the other and all delivered late!

With her 3 day older buddy Colson

I'm doing great, too!  I can't believe how great I feel, actually. Throughout the pregnancy I asked God to keep me full of joy and peace and I think it worked!  I am amazed at how good I feel, except a few little things that are tough, like sleeping and very minor issues.  I'll be home for a month or so before returning to work part-time.  I wonder if I can really stay away that long??? I have to admit I've cheated and checked my email a number of times already :)

  

With her cousins and the hat they made for her

Getting ready to go home!

 I am completely in awe that God is entrusting two of His precious children to our care. What a privilege and honor.

Thank you for praying for us, for standing with us and for cheering us on!  We are grateful! 

And... some pics of our cutie pie Benson at Easter :)
  

9 Days and Different

NOTE:  This was written 12 days ago. How funny to read it as I post it with pics finally. God is so cool...  Our little girl is no longer nine days away, she's 21 hours old now and we love her heaps and heaps. I'll post soon with info on her story so far :)
____________________________________________________________________________________________

Nine Days.  That's all (plus or minus some days in there).  That's all until we meet our precious little girl.  We are excited and ready to meet her in some regards, but so not ready in others :) God knows that and knows the perfect timing for her to come.  I've continually prayed for contentment and God has been so faithful in giving that to me.  I haven't been wishing this time with Benson away or been antsy for her to come.  Now, that doesn't mean I haven't had my days where I feel like a whale, where my back hurts, and where I think it would be FUN to not be HUGE anymore.  But for the most part, I've really enjoyed this time. 

I cut back my hours at work last week in preparation for the delivery and to have some time to hang out with Benson, get our house ready, and just rest.  I'm so grateful I can stay engaged at Global Disciples and continue loving God and His people. 

I have been thinking so much lately about the differences in boys and girls and I'm sure I'll be amazed at just how different my little guy is from my baby girl we're waiting for.  I thought for my sake more than anything, I'd make a little list of the differences in my pregnancies for memory's sake :)

Boy:  Lots of hair growth during pregnancy
Girl:  Little hair growth (even on my legs - oddly enough - like you can't even tell if I've not shaved them in three or four days - so weird) - hopefully this means I won't lose as much after she's born as I did with Benson.

Boy:  Gained about 50ish pounds (honestly I'm not sure what the final was, but it was around there somewhere)
Girl:  Gained about 30ish pounds

Boy:  Was super cranky (not sure if that was stress of working full-time, 2 car engines blowing, moving, etc.), but still
Girl:  Less so for sure, pretty happy really, a little weepy here at the end.  Defiinitely in touch with my emotions a bit more.

Boy:  Had intense desire to eat something, only to never ever want it again.
Girl:  Not so much

Boy: Slept a lot, especially in first trimester (went to bed at 6:30 most nights)
Girl:  Sleepy, for sure, but usually could make it to 8:30 or 9.  Ha.

Boy:  Sore back
Girl:  Sore back but less so

Boy:  Not too nervous about raising a boy
Girl:  Very nervous about raising a girl (until my two showers where we were prayed over, now I'm definitely less nervous)

Boy:  Hair stayed the same
Girl:  GRAY HAIR OVERLOAD

Boy:  Massive swelling
Girl:  Barely any at all

Boy:  Arms constantly fell asleep at night
Girl:  Rarely

Boy:  Drooled when I slept A LOT (nice, right?)
Girl:  Not really at all

Boy: Snored like crazy - would even wake myself up
Girl:  Rarely (verified with Nate)

Boy:  Tried all sorts of stuff to get labor moving
Girl:  Haven't tried much, just trusting God and waiting for His perfect timing

Boy:  Had the best, most supportive hubby ever.
Girl:  Well, this is no different!  He wouldn't even let me scrub the floors last night because I'm too pregnant and did it for me.  It's love.

This pregnancy has been extra fun in that I've experienced almost my entire pregnancy with three close friends.  One of my dearest friends is due the same day (Palm Sunday) and I'm so excited to see WHEN we both go. Wouldn't it be wild if we both had our kiddos the same day??!!  One of our friends delivered the end of March and one is hoping to go any day now. 

Overall, I've really enjoyed both pregnancies (except for the stress of the first) and have been so grateful for this gift.  So many people would love to be able to be pregnant so I don't take this privilege lightly. 

I really am looking so forward to seeing/meeting our little lady.  I am excited to see who she is a person - what she'll be like - I'm looking forward to learning a whole new side of God's love for me, for her, for our family, and for all of His children. 

We finally have a verse for our little girl and it fits what we've been hoping for her so well...  It's from Matthew - Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. 

Thanks for praying for us, anticipating with us, and loving us - even from afar.  We'll keep you posted!

Love, for all of us,

Jenny